Blue Whale: Parents’ Blues!

 “There is no substitute for parents”, for it is the parents’ influence—for good or bad—that forms the child’s character and this phenomenon becomes more pronounced when families are disrupted by newer technologies.

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At times you come across gentle cab-drivers who are adept at drawing you into a nice conversation. Last evening, tucking into an Ola cab, I turned on the music… and as Kishore is cracking his vocal chords to drawl … Koi hum dum na raha koi sahara na raha (no soul-mate exists anymore nor is there any support) /…/Shaam tanahaai ki hai aayegi manzil kaise (in this lonesome evening how am I to find my destination)… the driver having pulled onto the highway, holding the wheel in one hand, coolly posed a question: “Shaeb, what is this blue whale? They say it’s a game but then why a game to lead to death?” Floored by it, I had no alternative but to confess my ignorance.

Bugged by it, coming to the office next day, straight went to my young ‘gadget-aapajan’ and asked her to tell me all about the bizarre ‘Blue’. Staring at me in surprise, and of course, holding her quizzical smile back, said: it’s an online game. This game of 50 days preys on teens. Its curator gives each participant a set of escalating challenges to perform. It begins with the curator asking the teen: “Carve a razor ‘f57’ on your hand, and send a photo to curator”. On producing the evidence, he would be asked to “wake up at 4.20 a.m. and watch psychedelic and scary videos that curator sends him”.

As the participant thus advances to the next stage, he would be asked to execute and report back weird acts like: “Cut your arm with a razor along your veins, but not too deep, only 3 cuts, send a photo to the curator; Draw a whale on a sheet of paper, send a photo to curator; If you are ready to ‘become a whale’, carve ‘YES’ on your leg. If not, cut yourself many times (punish yourself); Task with a cipher; Carve ‘f40’ on your hand, send a photo to curator; Type ‘# i_am_whale’ in your VKontakte status; You have to overcome your fear; Wake up at 4:20 a.m. and go to a roof (the higher the better); Carve a whale on your hand with a razor, send a photo to curator; Watch psychedelic and horror videos all day; Listen to music that ‘they’ (curators) send you; Cut your lip; Poke your hand with a needle many times; Do something painful to yourself, make yourself sick; Go to the highest roof you can find, stand on the edge for some time; Go to a bridge, stand on the edge; Climb up a crane or at least try to do it; The curator checks if you are trustworthy; Have a talk ‘with a whale’ (with another player like you or with a curator) in Skype; Go to a roof and sit on the edge with your legs dangling; Another task with a cipher; Secret task; Have a meeting with a ‘whale’; The curator tells you the date of your death and you have to accept it; Wake up at 4:20 a.m. and go to rails (visit any railroad that you can find); Don’t talk to anyone all day; Make a vow that ‘you’re a whale’; Every day (from task 30-49) you wake up at 4:20 a.m., watch horror videos, listen to music that ‘they’ send you, make 1 cut on your body per day, talk ‘to a whale’, and finally ‘Jump off a high building. Take your life.’”

Now, hearing her recital of the acts, I could not but blurt out: “Which boy/girl would be volunteering to undertake these scary deeds?” “That is the hitch”, coolly replied my gadget-wizard: “the game is goading vulnerable youngsters into it and finally to kill themselves”. “Hey! Even if one is goaded into it, won’t you think he or she being through a few of these senseless tasks would naturally roll out of it?” “Yes, if only… but the curator/hacker threatens to kill him/her [participant] and his/her family. So, once, entered, he/she had it.”

“Oh! my god, it is really scary. Something needs to be done immediately. Then, what the hell the government is doing?” screamed I. Reassuringly, my friend said: “Yes, our government has already directed internet platforms such as Google, Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, Microsoft, and Yahoo to immediately remove any links leading to the game. But the question is: will it stop it? For, it’s not a downloadable game, application or software. So, nothing much can be achieved by banning it. Being a social media phenomenon, it enters social media networks from secretive groups, and unless social media entities where the relevant hashtags associated with the game are through get in on the act, I am afraid, it may go on.”

A little alarmed by what she said, I stammered: “You mean there is nothing much that one could do to protect the kids from the onslaught of this game!” “Oh! No, that’s not what I mean.” She hastened to say, “I only mean that banning is not the answer. The real answer lies with parents. They have to actively do what they alone can do to save their children from the jaws of the game.” “Like what”, is my immediate question.

Oh! she appears to be fully loaded with the answers: “Look, we are passing through a change in the patterns of family life. Earlier it was a self-contained unit. Girls and boys learned the tricks of living from their mothers and fathers. Importantly, they found engaged in one or the other family activity that was challenging and rewarding—it made them feel important too. Along with these skills, children acquired a set of goals and a sense of morality from their immediate role models: parents. But today, fathers are working far from them and only see them in weekends. Mothers too, having given up their traditional roles, spending much of their time away from home. With the result, children are drifting off like a rudderless boat.”

Stopping at it for a while and looking into my eyes, perhaps to check if I am with her or not, she then landed right on the problem: “See, it’s at the age of 13-14 that every boy and girl enters the stage of sexual maturation: adolescence. Physical changes in the body have a tremendous effect on their total personality. It is the time when they abandon childhood dependencies and ways of life so far lived, of course, for good. But this does not come without a conflict and confused feelings: moodiness, loneliness and self-doubt rule the rostrum. Boys enter the ‘gang’ stage: full of adventurous play and fantasy, become secretive about life outside home. Girls behave either as ‘tom boys’ or like ‘little woman’—‘Ma! periods kya, aate rahata hai’.

They swing between dependence and back; fearful one day, over-confident the next day; moody, conservative, oversensitive, never quite sure what one wants—often as though wanting quite opposite and irreconcilable things. That way, the child is still unstable, moody, unpredictable, battling with adult authority and with himself. Over it, today children are expected to succeed in every act of them. He/she soon realizes that success wins acclaim and failure invites reproach. A child who cannot meet parents’ expectations begins to lose his self-confidence, loses the feeling of self-worth. This mad competition tends to land the children in depression. Even they may feel alienated.”

Grasping for breath, I whispered, “Oh! My god, you sound so terrifying. You mean to say… teenagers too suffer from depression? Before you answer that let me first ask you one question that is bothering me since sometime:   See, net is after all anonymous, right? One doesn’t know who the game’s Administrator is, nor do Administrator know who the player is… except IP addresses? And, I am sure, this is well known to the teenagers too, right? Then, how to believe that these smart kids are trapped into this dirty game of suicide by mere threats? You know… I am just not able to stomach this! You must answer me this first.” 

“Hum! You have a point there! That could have been one of the reasons why the psychologists, reacting to the suicidal deaths, wondered, if the game per se is the drive behind the suicidal deaths.  Perhaps, they mean that the root cause lies elsewhere: their frustration, or disenchantment with life, or alienation, their low esteem that craves for peer approval, being a teenager eager to take risks that make them feel as though they are a part of something that is bigger than themselves, or a mere act of seeking fun with the gadgets not fully realizing where it could lead…it could be anything that even the boy or girl do not know of. Here, it is important to note that India is ranked among the top 10 nations with a high suicide rate. That aside, the rates of undetected depression, particularly among the teenagers are said to be high in the country. These underlying realities force the nation as a whole to exercise more caution when reports of ‘Blue Whale’ nature rocks us.”

“Reality being that nebulous, what it essentially calls for is: parents to consciously lavish their time and ingenuity on child rearing. They should know where their wards are while away from home, what they are doing, with whom they are spending, without of course intruding into their privacy. They must watch for their wards’ ‘gadget-hygiene’, more by practising gadget-hygiene themselves, rather than by talk. They should keep an eye on the wards’ net-surfing activities – and mind you, discretely.” 

“Parents must talk with children not to them. Talking to children means telling them how we want things done, expressing a demand for obedience—for instance, saying: “Don’t waste time on the net; Oh! no, it’s time for bed, etc.” On the other hand, talking with children would mean jointly attempting to solve a problem; improving a given situation—that makes teenagers feel creatively engaged in the family matters … would feel they too contributed their might for the family. It means sitting with them to talk over the problem such as Blue whale, letting them express their opinion and listening to it, and steering them through reasoning out of the problem. Such talking with them not only make the children feel that they are very important to their parents but also enables parents to gain ward’s cooperation to talk out issues that are bothering them and explore ways of handling them. Remember, cooperation has to be won, it cannot be demanded and without child’s cooperation nothing can be resolved fruitfully.”

Interrupting her talk, I questioned: “To talk with the children about Blue whale don’t you think parents need to know all about it? And today the digital-divide being what it is between parents and their wards, how effective parents could be in their articulation/reasoning?”

“True, that’s a big challenge! Yes, they have to necessarily invest their time in learning about technology. And remember this is not the only challenge: Since adolescents are known to seriously struggle to come out of the grip of parents, they would resist the intervention of parents—will not be receptive to any help from parents—no matter how knowledgeable they are about the latest technology. They may even vehemently resist their help too. In such situations, parents have to necessarily explore alternatives.  Here, a teacher, or a close relative like chacha, maama or dada, daadi, etc., may come handy to act as a coach/role model.”

Taking a deep breath, she stressed: “Finally, what matters most in overcoming such threats is: how cohesive/harmonious the family is? If the family is a close-knit unit, even Ma can innocently ask the ward to explain her about the Blue Whale game if he/she has heard of it. And as the conversation progresses, she can air her alarm and caution her children not to fall prey for such temptations.”  

“In the same vein, if the family is in the habit of sitting every evening for a chat over children’s day at school, etc., parents could easily notice changes if any in the disposition of their children—can certainly spot the child if overtaken by such moods as sadness, and if it is persistently noticed accompanied by disruptive behavior that is interfering in their social activities, interests, homework, etc., Ma, guessing the problem of the child passing through depressive illness can immediately seek professional help. Such assembling and free collegial discussions can also help parents to gauge their children’s net surfing habits too.”

“Oh! my god, it looks as though my generation of parents were pretty lucky ….  Any way coming to the point, you want to say that parents should trust their adolescent’s essential goodness and must bear the responsibility for their adolescent child’s healthy transformation into a matured adult.”

“Yeah! And that said, what I would like the parents to do immediately is: take a discrete look at the gadgets being used by their wards and ensure that there are no logins relating to the game and if there be any they may have to seek the help of cyber-security police for it is said that these links cannot be deleted by ordinary users. And well before that they have to arrange for immediate professional counselling to their child to wean him/her away from the game.”

“Yes, that’s more important…  thank you for your time and all …”

Parenting Is Not a Child’s Play

Parenting shall basically aim at helping children to separate from parents and in the process help them become independent. This is easier said than done, for parents, more particularly Indian parents, are always found to be eager to do everything for their children. In the process, they would think, analyse, and indeed work for their children, ignoring the fact that it is the child who has to perform all these deeds.  

This obviously makes the child less competent to catch up with the demands of life when he happened to be on his own. To come out of this over-protecting syndrome, parents may cultivate habits, such as —

Allow the children to make choices—it is a common sight in most of the families that right from dusk to dawn, it is either the father or the mother who decides for the child. Even in mundane matters like what dress to put on, what and when to eat ... all are decided by the mother. This unwittingly generates ill-will among the children for they are not given an opportunity to have their pick.

Instead, if a mother picks up two sets of dresses and questions the child: “Which color dress—red or blue—you want to put on? This obviously gives an option to the children to have his own choice giving him a feeling of asserting his own choice.

  

Show respect for child’s struggle—allow a child to struggle on his own for an answer, encourage him to fail but not to give it up. Doesn't matter, in the process if he wastes time, energy and even resources…. For, that’s an invaluable education. Watching him with a smile, you may subtly give him leads… or put such questions, thinking about which, might lead him to stumble on the answer for the problem on his hand. Even this if handled discreetly, leads to better results.  

Don’t harass the child with too many questions—if you keep on questioning a child,

no matter whether it is a routine issue or something special, they get annoyed. And no wonder, in the process if they give indifferent answers …. And remember this ultimately spoils the healthy atmosphere in the family.

Don’t rush to answer questions—don’t show eagerness to answer all their questions… this can never make them realize that they can find answers for many of their problems on their own. Put a counter question that makes him to think and in the process lands with an answer of his own.

Encourage children to use sources outside the home—the world is not an aligned place. There would be occasions when a child needs to seek help from others. So, children must be encouraged to seek information needed for their decision making even from sources outside the home. It obviously widens their canvas.... their understanding of the life around the home.... and its incongruence with what he had perhaps seen in his home. This cultivates the courage to look in all directions and seek help from wherever it is available in furtherance of his/her life.

Be Aware, You Are an Unspoken Example—you may be silent… You may not even communicate with your children. But don’t forget, they watch you—indeed, they are constantly watching you. And learn a lot from your silent communication. So, guard yourself while you are with your children from indecent behaviour.

Inject hope into life—much of the pleasure of life lies in dreaming, fantasizing, anticipating and planning. Encouraging children to cultivate these traits help them in looking at life in great hope. Hope being the spark of life, generates action. Action ends in results. Results—could be as anticipated or simply far from it. But a child learns to enjoy his very endeavor. And also, learns to own the results. It gives him courage to keep working on it till the desired results are obtained. It tends to give pleasure. Results mean success of the endeavour. Success breeds success.

The journey of parenting is a bitter sweet undertaking. Parents love and encourage their children to become well balanced independent human beings to lead a life of their own confidently. But on the day they head towards it, often, a tinge of sadness overwhelms parents. But that’s parenting! 

You Can Bridge the Communication Gap with Your Children!

Today’s youth is living in an excited world of information and opportunities—‘info-glut’ and the scope for social interactions, that too, at an anonymous level on the net have placed the youth on a totally different trajectory. At the same time it is challenging their wit in many ways. But one good thing with today’s teens is: they are more eager to ponder over, debate and discuss such issues that are bothering them either at the campus or off the campus. And in all such situations, obviously, it is the parents, who strike to them as the first destiny to open a dialogue. 

But parents, unfortunately, are found wanting in catching up with this explosion of accelerated change. No doubt, Indian parents have tremendous concern for their wards and are indeed always found anxious in providing all the security that they could afford to their children. Yet, for indefinable reasons, they hold back themselves in articulating their concerns unambiguously with their children. One reason for such communication gap could be: they being from the older generation, are not sure how to communicate with the younger lot, particularly, on issues such as teens’ browsing adult sites that either challenge their belief systems or considered taboo for discussion. In the process, parents are often found simply ending up saying ‘no’—perhaps being overdriven by their concern for the welfare of their progeny—to everything that a boy/girl broaches. This obviously does no good in bettering the teens’ lot and instead lands them in frustration.  

In this confusion, communication between parents and children appears to have severed. The unintended consequences of such communication gap could be: miscues and misunderstandings – in other words, lots of crosstalk. Which is why we often find teens negotiating all by themselves through the mixed messages that they are getting from the environment. This is certainly not a healthy sign. This communication gap, therefore, needs to be bridged. Nevertheless, there is no ‘the’ answer for bridging the gap, except that adoption of certain principles such as listed hereunder might facilitate better communication between the parents and their progeny. 

Be available to listen: Even in the hustle and bustle of daily life, make sure to give special time to your ward, make yourself available to listen to him/her.  Give them a belief that you love them by looking into their eyes, paying full attention to what they are saying, letting them take their own time to figure things out and express their feelings and never ever forcing them to talk. Encourage a boy/girl who is finding it difficult to articulate the challenge he/she is facing, to express their feelings by scribbling on a paper. For, such behavior assures them that they could confide in the parents and this in turn facilitates a meaningful dialogue. And dialogue can in turn result in a shared solution to the issue at hand. This also gives a sense of control over his/her life to the ward.  

Listen:  Firstly, unless one listens attentively to what the other man is saying, one cannot understand what the other man’s problem is. And unless one understands well what the other man is saying, one cannot offer right feedback. Secondly, one need not necessarily agree with what all the other man is saying, but one must listen to the other without making a judgment, for it alone affords him/her a sense of freedom and acceptance. It is worth remembering here that every communication has both an intellectual and an emotional component. It is, therefore, essential for a conversation to flow freely to have an element of acceptance from the listener. It simply offers him/her [originator of dialogue]space within which a dialogue can happen. It is only through a free flowing dialogue that one can share his/her concerns. On the other hand, listening to the problem being narrated by the other man, if one attempts to fix it for him/her, let him know how one would have handled the problem, or pass judgment on what is being narrated, the narrator tends to shut down. 

Reflective listening and paraphrasing: Paraphrasing before he/she completes her side of story would be highly annoying to the narrator. On the other hand, listening fully well without stopping in the middle, if one paraphrases, it could indeed help the other man/woman a lot in taking the dialogue to a meaningful end.  Here again, paraphrasing does not mean repeating what he/she said, but using one’s own intuition, and  his/her tone, feelings, expressions, etc. Such analytic reflection could certainly encourage the dialogue to move into a thoughtful channel. For instance, while listening to him/her, a father can nod his head and say, “Go ahead, I understand”, which conveys to the ward that what he is saying is important to the father. Similarly, another way of saying that one is actively listening is seeking clarification—for instance, what did you mean when you said “… “?” Such questioning reinforces the belief that the father is concerned about what the son/daughter is talking and it simply keeps the dialogue going forward effectively. Secondly, it is extremely important to pay close attention to the body language of the son/daughter while listening to him/her, as this could probably add an altogether new dimension to the whole issue being deliberated upon. 

Emphasize the positive: Psychologists believe that unhappy family relations are often the outcome of negative communication patterns adopted by the members. For instance, any communication that is rich in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, etc. is sure to generate negative feelings in the receiver—it simply puts down the receiver. And such put-downs tend to break the communication—the boy/girl may henceforth share nothing with the parent. And this is detrimental to sound relationship building. So, positive communication is to be practiced. 

Use “I” messages: As ‘I-messages’ reflect the thinking or feelings of the parent/sender, they sound less-judgmental. So, they are perceived to be non-threatening by the receiver. To that extent they stand a better chance of acceptance.  Secondly, I-messages—as against ‘You-messages’ that are often found loaded with negative feelings such as put-downs, blames, “You should work hard”—being sender-focused tend to sound more positive—for instance a father might say, “I think you could have labored a little more.” Such messages are likely to generate better cooperation from the ward. 

Show interest: “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them”, said Ralph Nichols. In other words, by making himself/herself available to listen to what the other man is saying—without interrupting and passing judgments—one could assure the other man that one is really having his/her interest at heart. It is perfectly alright to admit that he/she is equally confused by the issue at hand but is willing to work on shared solutions. Evincing such an interest encourages the other man to open his heart fully, and this in turn makes finding an answer to the problem under discussion that much more easy. 

Communicate clearly and directly: Effective communication means being clear and direct. Then only the intended message can be understood by the receiver correctly. Unless understood correctly by the receiver, right action cannot be initiated, and unless right action is initiated, no anticipated results can be accomplished. That is the importance of effective communication.

Sense of humor:   Quite often humor is found to come handy in diffusing tense moments. Particularly, it comes handy in synthesizing more of “I-messages”, that too, more effectively. Nevertheless, one must have a flair for using subtle humor, particularly for its timing; else, it might boomerang.  

grk